In my nightmares I still smell the beer lingering on your breath, or the way it sent chills down the back of my neck. I still feel my hands shaking as they were pushing yours away. I still taste the salt of my tears that slid down my cheeks and made home on my lips. I still hear your words “I’m sorry” after you were finished. I still remember. I’ll always remember.
sometimes I shut my eyes and pretend that he’s you
I lie beside him and he goes down on me, as if it’s his form of worship and I find myself praising his name. With the reflection of the streetlight bouncing off his face I could of sworn he was an angel blessing me with his grace. Sacrificing his time to lie down here beside me. I find myself overwhelmed with gratitude. How did I get so lucky? I find myself on my knees so he can forgive my sin. He took and atheist and gave her something to believe in.
Today was just a day, like any other day. Today I constantly kept changing my phone to see if a banner of his name rested across it. I’d look at the time on the dashboard each time I did. Okay it’s 3:05 and no message. I’ll wait awhile till I check again, I’ll wait awhile and stop letting him flood my thoughts. I’ll wait awhile to show he is not the only thing that consumes my day. I check my phone again and once again no message. Once again my stomach drops. Once again I begin to consider that he’s been distancing himself, once again I try to find if there’s a pattern, or while glancing in the side mirror if I look bad today, maybe that’s why he’s not interested in chatting today? Maybe I’m nothing special to see? Looks at the clock. Only 3:08. Only 3 minutes of not checking yet it felt as though it was an eternity. That’s what my life without you feels like, time moves slow and the days last too long. But the worst part is the self doubt, the pain, the disgust with myself that goes along with those days. As 3:09 hits the clock my world begins falling down. The tears begin to pour, my throat suddenly feels dry and sharp because I didn’t even known I’d been screaming. All this pain building inside me, all this pain caused by you. What is it about me that makes you so unsure? And why do you see that in me, even though I see my future in you? I pull in the driveway. Pull down the mirror, wipe each eye hard to scrape away all the tears. Then I push at my cheeks to give them life making them a perfect blush pink, then I smile. Once again I look happy and normal. I walk inside my home say hello to my family, and put our dinner on the table. Look at my phone. No message, drops it on the table and I look at the clock above the oven. Now it’s 3:17.
s-o-u-t-h-o-f-h-e-a-v-e-n-69
